| my letter Lately I’ve been becoming desperate and paranoid. I know I should go back to church-I mean church is where I was happiest yet I keep allowing stupid things to hold me back. And every time I do that, every time I waste a day at home I get paranoid because I know I am wasting my life away and I don’t want to do that. I want my life to mean something. I want my life to have touched everyone who came in contact with me for the better. I want people to look at me and not see me but Jesus but this past year I have put Jesus to the way side. And now I am plagued with such thoughts like, “what if I die tomorrow?” lemo, what If I die tomorrow, what will be my legacy? Did I do enough for Christ? What if people find out what I have been struggling with? Christians are supposed to struggle with what I am struggling with. I know I shouldn’t care what people think but I want my life to matter. I want to accomplish something with my life for Christ, but I feel so many things holding me back. I know I should know better and should just get over myself but I can’t. I have a deep desire to live my life in such a way that if I died tomorrow people could say that there life is just a little bit different, a little better because God put me in it. I don’t know if his makes sense. Yet I feel so angry and worthlessness. Look at my selfishness. If people knew what I thought sometimes or some of the things I did, they wouldn’t want me in their lives. I always feel like I have to be perfect for others to love me and that I’m not allowed to make mistakes. I know, ur probably tell me that’s not true, but look how so called people who love each other crucify the other person behind their back. I know I shouldn’t care what other people think, I should only care what God thinks, I know all this, but knowing something isn’t the same as actually doing something.
I always told u that I don’t think I’m gonna live long. Part of me doesn’t want to live to be like 80, but I don’t know maybe I’m being paranoid but I know my life can end in a blink of an eye. I just want God to use me, but maybe I’m not letting him. maybe my fears and paranoia our preventing me0no, I know my fears and paranoia are preventing me from allowing God to use me the way he wants me too. I just want my life to be meaningful, you know? That’s a big desire in my heart. I read an online memorial about a young Christian teen girl, who died and after she died students and teachers at her school decided to accept Christ. Even in death she had an impact on other people for Christ. That’s what I want. I hate myself sometimes because of all the hours I waste thinking negative thoughts. his letter YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOUR ALWAYS LOOKING
AT WHATS GOING TO GO WRONG WITH EVERYTHING
I REMEMBER TELLING YOU SO MANY TIMES THAT
YOU HAVE TO RELAX AND NOT READ SO MUCH OR
WORRY ABOUT THINGS THAT DONT MAKE SENSE
AND JUST FOLLOW GOD. WELL THIS IS THE
RESULT OF ALL OF THAT. CONFUSION, DOUBTS,FEAR,
AND EVERY OTHER EMOTION THAT YOU AY GO
THROUGH, GOD IS WILLING TO USE YOU, AS MATTER
FACT HE WANTS TO, BUT YOU GOT TO WANT TO DO
IT, YOU CANT KEEP SINKING IN YOUR PROBLEM AND
LET THAT HOLD YOU DOWN. WE ARE ALL SINNERS
YOU WOULDNT BELEIVE IF I TELL YOU THE SINS AND
THE FAULTS THAT I DO, CONSTANTLY. LOOK NAIOMI
YOUR A SMART WOMAN, YOU GOT A GOOD HEAD ON
YOUR SHOULDERS AND I KNOW THINGS GET TOUGH
FOR YOU AT HOME SCHOOL AND EVEN AT CHURCH, BUT
YOU JUST GOT TO TAKE A RISK AND GO FOR IT, JUST
GIVE IT ALL TO GOD AND THEN YOU CAN SAY LATER IF
IT DONT WORK OUT THAT YOU FAILED OTHER THEN
YOU HAVE NOT TRIED HARD ENOUGH TO SAY THAT
YOU FAILED OR THAT YOU CANT DO IT. GIRRRRLLLLL
GO FOR IT I CHANLLENGE YOU, GOD WILL DEAL WITH
THE REST.
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